if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
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