There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You've changed since you got that strap on
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
