if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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