im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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