worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
