watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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