Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Randomize
