he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
