my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
