i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
