im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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