the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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