Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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