Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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