Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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