I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
