im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
