so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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