he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
