yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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