I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
