just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
