you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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