i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I came so hard my ears popped.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
