When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
