So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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