Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
