Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
this just has baby written all over it
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
