i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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