Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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