Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
