I just pynch a tree in the face
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
