I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
