when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
