I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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