i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
