Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
