I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
