I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
