happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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