I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
