Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
