I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
