i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
