I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
