Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
