found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
