How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
