Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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