I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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